Week 8 Six-Pack: Six Takeaways From A Fairly Uneventful Sunday

"A bad day of watching football is better than a good day at work".

To me, my couch on a fall/winter Sunday with double digit football games on is better than a good day at the beach, so I think this quote applies. And is something that you need to remind yourself, in an uncharismatic day/week of NFL football where just one game was decided by less than 7 points. On a day that's easy to fall into despondency, it's important to repeat this phrase, as it serves as a reminder for just how important, and incredible, this game is to us all.

No. 1: Teams Were Smart To Not Trade For Kirk Cousins

This was the shocker of the early slate in my opinion. Not that the Dolphins won, which I wouldn't have predicted but wouldn't have been thrown from my seat if you told me, but how they won. They dismantled the Falcons on both sides of the ball. Tua and the offense were extremely efficient against the best passing defense in football, while the game plan clearly involved more running to exploit Atlanta's defensive "weakness". On the flip side, Miami, the worst rush defense in the league coming into Sunday, put the clamps on Bijan to the tune of 9 carries for 25 yards, forcing the Dirty Birds to hand the reigns to their All-American backup QB.

Which brings us to Kirk Cousins. I was among the pack that thought Kirk was worthy of a trade to a team like Cincinnati or Minnesota after their QB1s went down. I thought he had more to prove, and a little left in the tank after just a few games last year coming off the Achilles.

It appears there's still reason that I'm not in charge of an NFL roster. Kirk may very well still be able to make throws, he may very well be able to orchestrate a play action offense when his team is running the ball effectively, and be the guy who a huddle of players and an arena of fans have faith in driving his team into FG range to win a game. But Sunday showed he is no longer the QB who can put the game in his hands, when nothing else is going right, and carry an offense on his shoulders.

Whether the Falcons collectively sighed when Kirk was announced the starter as they predetermined their fate is unknown. But what is known is that Miami's defense is putrid, and Kirk and this offense looked as incompetent as Gus, Richie, and Clark if the Benchwarmers had to play football.

I understand why NFL GM's didn't want to pay eight figures to have this guy behind center, especially when the option of poaching an arguably better QB from a division rival for a mere sixth round pick swap was on the table. I hope Kirk gets another moment and proves me wrong, but Sunday was a sad day. It's time for Kirko Chainz to put the chain back in the box.

No. 2: The Bengals Season Has Ended

You can't come back from what transpired in Cincinnati yesterday. The Bengals and Joe Flacco, who's cracked the code on how to prolong his NFL career by throwing the ball to Jamarr Chase every play, were up 14 points on the Jets not once, not twice, not thrice, but QUADRICE (if that's a word).

The Bengals totaled 400 yards of offense, including 181 on the ground after coming into the week as the worst rushing team in the NFL. They scored on six of their first eight drives, committed just two penalties all game, didn't turn the ball over, and scored 38 points. And lost to the Jets.

Seriously there's no coming back. Somehow this defense is subjectively and objectively worse than last year. At least last year they were losing these games to Lamar Jackson.

Justin Fields was publicly scolded by his shithead owner, insensitively but not necessarily incorrectly, for his inability to complete a pass just days ago. The offense that scored just 6 points against a Panthers team that allowed a 40-piece to the Bills yesterday and 17 total points in the two games coming into yesterday dropped a near 40 burger of their own.

The Cincinnati defense has allowed 27 or more points every week since week 1. They rank 32nd in the league in more defensive statistical categories than they don't. The issues that they didn't fix in the offseason are unsurprisingly still issues, and issues that keeping Tee Higgins and Jamarr Chase can't mask, no matter how hard they try.

The Bengals will continue to be a fun watch. I will continue to clap for my fantasy team when Jamarr is targeted for the 24th time in the game. But for all intents and purposes, their season is over.

No. 3: The Patriots Can't Stop Winning Football Games

Can I get some respect and maybe even admiration for putting my beloved Patriots, the second best team in the AFC and top three in football at this current moment in time, third on this list? I definitely would've gotten some eye rolls, and justifiably so, if they started in the one spot. I may still be getting some now. And to those people I say kick rocks.

"You can only play who's in front of you". You've heard it from any team/fanbase who's exceeding expectations but has been called out for their last place schedule, or playing just three teams with more than two wins before Halloween.

The closeted Patriots haters of the 2010s are starting to crawl out of their graves, and as of right now their only course of action in their denial phase of grief is to say our schedule is a joke. That, in fact, we have only played three teams with more than two wins all year. That our last three wins have come against arguably three of the four worst teams in football. Blah, blah, blah.

Although true, we’re not just beating these bad teams. We’re taking their souls. We dangle a toy in front of the baby in the first quarter, just to give a sense of hope, before transforming into Optimus Prime and bulldozing through the last 45 minutes, making them wish they never suited up.

They slowly and methodically take the will to play the game away from their opponents who don't belong on the same field as them. In the last two weeks, the Patriots have outscored the Titans/Browns 57-9 in the last three quarters. I mean the numbers speak for themselves.

All you can do in this league is beat who you play. I'm aware they haven't played the greatest teams, but they're outclassing the teams they should be. That's the sign of a great football team, and one I watched for nearly two decades. I'm excited to play some better opponents and continue to see what we're made of.

No. 4: The Bears/Panthers Are In Fact Who We Thought They Were

I'm glad I gave these two teams their moment in the spotlight last week, cause both fanbases' worst nightmares came true on Sunday.

The Bears got the fortunate news that Lamar Jackson was sidelined on Saturday, but instead of using that to bolster their confidence, apparently had an extra beer to celebrate. Against a Ravens defense who has looked like a shell of themselves all year, and a backup QB in Tyler Huntley, the Bears lost by two scores. They failed to create a turnover and lost the turnover battle for the first time since they gave up 52 to Detroit in week 2. Like I said last week, turnovers aren’t sustainable.

The Panthers showing was arguably more pathetic. A 40-9 loss at home, giving up 245 yards rushing and 410 total, and committing three turnovers. To have Josh Allen account for less than 200 total yards and lose by any margin would've been tough to swallow, but to do that and lose by 30 is despicable. They just didn't come to play, and there's no excuse for it. Maybe they just wanted to make Josh's grandma happy too.

Both these teams had records that didn't match their output through seven weeks. They were both thought of as "happy to be here" teams, assumed to fall off due to their unsustainable courses to victory.

They both had a test this weekend against upper echelon teams/franchises in the NFL, with a chance to prove to the football world that they were more than an accident. And both teams, in different but equally frustrating ways, flunked those tests with flying colors.

It'll be hard to take these teams seriously moving forward, at least for the next few weeks. You don't get the chances they had this week very often, so it's sad to see how they turned out. It's sad to see that they're exactly who we thought they were.

No. 5: The Cowboys And Texans Are The Same Team In Opposite Ways

I think if you asked me to pick one offense and one defense to make the perfect NFL team, the Dallas offense and Houston defense might be my answer. They’re both prolific at what they do, lead the league in several statistical categories, and are the only reason their teams win games.

So while we're talking about opposite sides of the ball, the issue with these teams is the exact same. Neither team can win a game against an opponent with a competent offense and above average defense.

Look at the last couple weeks for the Texans. Last Monday night, they couldn't move an inch against the Seattle front that's as disruptive as they come in the NFL. They couldn't run, couldn't pass block, and couldn't find any sort of rhythm on offense. Their defense kept turning the ball over, scoring TDs on their behalf, and it still didn't matter. Fast forward to Sunday, against a banged up SF front that couldn't get to the passer with familiar fervor, and CJ threw for 320 yards without his two best WRs and Houston ran for over 150 yards.

Houston has only scored more than 20 points three times this year; against a banged up SF defense, an arguably more banged up Baltimore defense a few weeks back, and the Titans. That's it. Their defense plays their ass off every week, but if their opponent has the ability to rush the passer than it's all for nothing.

Dallas on the other hand can score at will. They're the highest flying passing attack in football, and trail only the Colts in total yards and points per game on the year. Contrary to Houston, they've scored more than 20 points in every game but one, including three games over 40.

But their defense can't stop a nosebleed. They inversely match their offense as the second worst team in football in total defense and points per game, trailing just the aforementioned Bengals in those departments.

Because of how bad their defense is, they make ordinary offenses look prodigious. The Panthers, Giants, and Bears have all scored 30+ on them as a frame of reference. So if they play a team with a good defense, one that can garner just a stop or two throughout the game, they're toast.

The only games they've won have come against the Giants, Jets, and Commanders. AKA three terrible defenses. Those teams didn't have the offensive firepower to keep up (Washington was without their top 3 WRs), and in a shootout against another bad defense the Cowboys have the edge. But against a top defense, or even semi-top defense, regardless of how lethal the opposing offense is, they struggle.

Both of these teams are in frustrating spots. One side of the ball is good enough to win a Super Bowl, but the other side is poor enough to keep them out of the playoffs. Right now, for both teams, the bad side of the ball is outweighing the good side.

No. 6: The Steelers Need To Stop Wearing Throwback Uniforms

I love throwbacks. I'm obviously bias to the Patriots reds, but in close second come the Dolphins, the Falcons red helmets, the Seahawks, kelly green Eagles and creamsicle Bucs. I mean remember how aesthetically pleasing this game was to watch?

I mean go down the list and almost every team's throwback uniforms trump their current ones.

But the Steelers need to stop fucking around and trotting out throwbacks to remind us that they've been around since the Civil War. The bumble bee throwbacks are bad enough, but now on national TV in a matchup against another one of the most historic franchises, with two objectively awesome uniforms, they wear this atrocity?

I mean what are we doing?

Like the Chargers Minion costumes they wore one week too early for Halloween, no one deserves to win a football game wearing such ridiculousness. Tan pants with yellow and black shirt? Obviously Vogue didn't exist in the 1930s to tell people what colors go with what.

Maybe they wore them to cover up the fact that their defense is an embarrassment to Steelers defenses of old. That the current version of this defense doesn't deserve to wear the same uniforms that Troy Palamalu, Joey Porter, James Harrison and company wore.

Regardless of reason, I hope they never do it again. If they want to throw it back, throw it back to the days of the Immaculate Reception, to a time where enough people watched football for the teams to care about what they looked like on the field.

In a league where I clammer for more throwback uniforms, the Steelers make a mockery of it all. And like anything in life, a few bad apples often ruin it for the majority. Don't ruin throwbacks for the rest of us Pittsburgh.