AFC East Preview

What was once a monogamous tyranny has begun to develop the Mormon philosophy: the more the merrier. The last piece of the Patriots dynasty fell last season as Belichick moved on from cut off sleeves to the make up chair, marking the official end as the AFC East as we knew it.

This division is one of the most intriguing whether you have a dog in the fight or not. Top dog QBs, explosive offenses, and big names all over the rosters (minus New England), this should be one of the toughest battles in the league this year. Let’s get into it, as always, in alphabetical order.

Buffalo Bills

This feels criminal to say, but I don’t know if Josh Allen can do everything for a football team. I know we’ve seen him pull his Superman cape out so often that’s he’s had no choice but to love himself in capital letters (Hailee Steinfeld reference). But the Bills lost so much this year, and I’ve started to worry if the window that talking heads have been asking is closed for two years now may have gotten its first nudge.

As long as 17 is there they’ll be live, but what’s he got around him? Steph Diggs started his Brat summer three seasons early, so they replaced him with Keon Coleman, which will be a good move if you look past this year. James Cook should be the focal point, and I pray that my implorations of having an RB be the leading rusher for this team have made its way from the dark web to Buffalo’s front office and etched on whiteboards across the facilities. Returning all five O lineman should help.

But the defense is shredded. Jordan Poyer and Tre’Davious White, regardless of age, are massive losses in the secondary. Matt Milano, the life and soul of this unit, is sadly becoming the second coming of Sean Lee and is in line to miss the majority of his second straight season. And the division is better. I root for this team, I like the fans, and I love the quarterback. The playoff streak will continue, but my crystal ball says there’ll be a new top dog in the East. Record: 10-7

Miami Dolphins

Not much to me is funnier than a narrative being so spot on that everyone sees it, says it, mocks it, and it still plays out exactly how it was predicted. I especially like it when it happens to a team I root against and was on an island calling them overrated leading up to their doomsday. But while I’ve been at the head of the Dolphins being frauds train since their hype began two years ago, I’m feeling that love at first sight tingly feeling that this year is different.

Part of it is because of what I said with the Bills. Part is because Tua proved he can last longer than me in bed as a healthy football player. Part because their whole offense is back, and added a few good pieces on defense. But mostly it’s because I’m talking about the regular season here. And while I reserve the right to take roll throughout said regular season before I predict January football, I think this team will thrive before the games start to matter. I think the narrative being proved so true last year is a motivator. I think there will be a lot of people that hop off this team’s bandwagon. And that, my friends, is exactly when you hop on.

There’s no reason to believe that teams will suddenly be able to guard Tyreek. That the run game will be less effective with McDaniel still calling plays and the addition of a full strength DeVon Achane. They won’t play a true cold weather game until week 17, and by then the division may already be locked up. Take the +220 AFC East champs to the bank. Record: 12-5

New England Patriots

Excuse me if I get emotional. You can understand if the first time in your cerebral lifetime that you have expectations less than a playoff run happens when you’re nearing your fourth decade on Earth. I don’t know how to deal with how I feel. But I do know what I feel.

And that’s sad. Sad that my team is projected as the worst team in the league. Sad that the greatest coach of all time is no longer walking the sidelines in ridiculous outfits looking like the most miserable person on the planet. Sad that the lore of the organization is waning, that we feel closer to a cursed franchise whose newly resigned studs develop blood clots right before training camp than a dynasty, and that the players who made my childhood so much better than yours are now found in coaching meetings rather than pads.

I’m mad that their biggest free agency move was to trade our best player on defense. I’m mad that this offseason’s biggest highlight was the roast of our biggest hero who hasn’t played for us in almost five years. And I’m mad that that roast is the only reason the biggest highlight wasn’t the 10-part roast of Bill Belichick that was orchestrated by Kraft Productions. We seem so far from the glory days despite them still visible in our rearview mirror. Emotions everywhere. I’ll save the rest for my therapist.

But if I may, try and be positive.

The defense is still respectable, even without Judon and likely Barmore. I’m not delirious enough to think Jerod Mayo is Bill Belichick, but all he knows is Bill’s scheme as a player and coach, and he knows the guys in the building so well I’m not expecting a big drop off on that side of the ball. I’m hopeful for Drake Maye as the guy. I loved what I saw in the preseason and before you say anything I know it was against backups. I don’t care! But that doesn’t change the fact I don’t want him to play, and he's not which is good. Our offensive line is atrocious. Don’t send your future back there to fail when he can learn and develop and be ready for when they have a competent group to protect him. If these rookie wide outs we got pan out I’m high on the future of this team. This is certainly no hot take when the team is off a 4-win season, but I think the boys improve in the win column this year while remaining completely irrelevant. Record: 6-11

New York Jets

Aaron Rodgers revenge tour! He’s angry! Loves the doubters! Scorched Earth ARod!

Chill the fuck out everyone. I love me sassy ARod as much as the next guy (maybe more, pettiness is my love language), but the notion of him not missing a beat after not playing good football if not football at all in three years is crazy. Also it’s the Jets. Let the hype build. Let them acquire more big-name free agents. Let Rodgers condescendingly belittle reporters every chance he gets. We all know how the story will end.

I predict he’ll be better than his last season in Green Bay in the back half of the year but slow out the gate. By then it might be too late. I also think I’m the only one who doesn’t think the Jets are loaded with weapons. Garrett Wilson is good, yes. But there’s no depth at that position. I love Mike Will (I hooped with him at open gyms at Clemson) but what’s to say he’ll play more than half the season healthy? Behind him is Xavier Gipson who was the last man to make the roster last year and an aging Allen Lazard. Breece Hall’s rise to top tier RB in football is one only Chappell Roan can relate to. I know he can make jaw dropping plays, but off a torn ACL in 2022 and an underwhelming season last year, behind this O Line I can’t for the life of me figure out this universal ascension he’s on.

And that’s the main point with the Jets. Even if Rodgers is closer to MVP level than I predict, if Breece Hall is the second coming of Curtis Martin, if their line can’t block it’s most for nothing. Revamping one of the worst lines in football with three new starters is a valiant attempt, but continuity with that group takes time, so I expect an adjustment period. If they prove to be a top 10 unit then scrap everything I’ve said. But I’ll believe it when I see it. There’s just too many ifs with this team. Record: 9-8